Alligator fat biofuels: NY sewer gators, beware of lipo merchants

By Michael Saks

As an editor you live for stories like this. Stories that look made up and ridiculous but are totally true. Thus we have the prospect of alligator biofuel for the future of transportation. The idea boils down to using wasted alligator fat as fuel. Apparently alligator food processing plants, yes this appears to be a thriving industry, throw away 15 million pounds of alligator fat each year.

Researchers say that this fat can be used to power us along the highway. Personally I think the alligator looks pretty mean, lean and green. How much fat could each one have?

I know the next question you’re thinking…how are we going to get enough alligator fat to fill those tanks? I mean there aren’t exactly gator liposuction clinics where we can freshen the gators appearance and secretly fill the reserves with readily available biofuel. Also, barring Florida and Louisiana, how many alligators can we get our hands on?

Maybe we could have giant Gator Fat Farms where gators are shuttled in and fed nothing but junk food all day long, making them as chubby as possible. Think of what that would do for the English vernacular. Instead of calling an overindulger a pig..we could say they are as hungry as a gator. New terms like Gator feast and Gator jawls may pop up, as the mean reptile is subjected to a diet of over 35,000 calories a day.

There have to be more gators then we know about. What about the population in the cities. You always see on movies and television the myths of gators living in parks and sewers. Maybe its not just an urban legend, but a real source of gator fat. Maybe we could start a campaign to search for and find rogue urban gators.

Personally I think a lot of people want any undiscovered urban gators living around them or beneath them to be found and REMOVED. I can only imagine the relief New Yorkers will feel when the sewers are cleared of their out of control gator population. I mean, everyone has heard the story of the kid who has a pet alligator and lets it out in the wilds of the big city when it starts getting too big. You can pretty much count that problems solved in a world powered by gator fuel.

Ok…I am going to far but its easy to imagine anything a whole host of benefits arising from the miracle of gator fuel

There are some other benefits not mentioned in the article that I see. The gator is not warm and fuzzy. Imagine the outrage of a bunny fueled car or a deer fueled truck. You would be swarmed with protesters throwing plastic rabbits feet at you wherever you went with chants of “bunny killer” as you frequented your favorite steakhouses. You say “gator” and people have that sick to the stomach look, apparently unmoved by the gators plight as a substitute for diesel.

I personally doubt that I will buy a gator fueled vehicle. I just don’t think I will be one of those early technology adapters that wants to dazzle their friends with a crocodile Camaro or alligator Acura. I do think the buzz around gator fuel will do wonders in bringing more attention to technological advances in alternate energy resources.

Who knows, maybe this will spread to other reptiles or creepy crawlies. Maybe the future will bring a rattler fueled truck or a spider fueled car. This may seem unlikely but you probably would have said that about gator fuel before you read this.